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| Break | 1:56am thursday, 22nd march |
OK, going to go away for another little while. Maybe a couple months this time. I’m in the middle of testing out the code I wrote for my AI, and it’s going well so far. If I get this prototype written and functioning, basically, I’m set for life (not sure if I said that here before or not). And then there’s the New Zealand trip coming up, and I have no idea what’s going to happen there. I have prayed that at the very least, let me have a good story to tell at the end of it. Basically, I have been getting prepared for the worst, so if anything good at all comes of it, I hope that I will be satisfied. (Though maybe a really horrible experience, actually, would make for a better story. Whatever.) And on a side note, my brother is out of a job for the third time in a year. Man, I hope he gets his act together. I don’t know why I mention him, just this all is what is on my mind. As I swim away, waving....
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| Quotes | 3:02am sunday, 18th march |
I long to accomplish a great and noble task; but my chief duty is to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.
– Helen Keller
Be not proud of race, face, place, or grace.
– Charles Haddon Spurgeon
A candle loses nothing of its light by lighting another candle.
– Fr. James Keller
How tragic that the very thing that could set us free — playing the fool — is the thing we will not do. When we're afraid to be fools, we end up being afraid to be anything.
– Mike Mason
Just because God is working through us does not mean that we are right with God.
– Unknown
The proof of spiritual maturity is not how pure you are but awareness of your impurity. That very awareness opens the door to grace.
– Phillip Yancey
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.
– Kurt Vonnegut
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| Portents | 1:13am wednesday, 14th march |
The portents speak of news that shall come forthwith. Something is about to happen. I have seen in the signs that in the end, all will be well, but I cannot now see by what path the winds of fate may blow me that such a result could occur. But who are we to know the purposes of God? The last lesson He taught me, before the drama now unfolding were current, was to trust in Him, whatever may try and shake me. An apt lesson, well timed, for I was struck just after I had decided to do so with an intense reason to doubt all. It is an immaculate pattern that pervades my life, from all looks of it, one thing leads to another. The fit is exquisite. If I am not meant to go on this course, there have been a terrific number of coincidences — how am I not to believe a larger hand is at work? We shall see what we shall see. I have found, if nothing else comes of things, I am left with a great story to tell. This, I have generally surmised, is itself a sort of sign, saying, life: you’re doing it right.
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| the going | 12:15am saturday, 10th march |
i can go within myself, where no one else can go
we remember certain victories by their scars
to focus on timely poetries of justice and place
(love forgets the importance of life and death)
and the numbers scream in a mysterious language
as time unwinds the wrappings of the gift of now
as the waters break upon a wall of doubt so solid
the fire will rise until it exhausts the heights
(love makes sense even of the monsters made of mud)
we climb up that mountain of time saying nothing
breathing the fumes of jet pack angels, invisible
here at the beginning, the ancient of all secrets
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| Chances | 1:51am tuesday, 6th march |
What am I looking for? Is it to search for a sign only to deny it when it reveals itself? What do I believe? Exactly what is it that insults my soul, and what is it that should? For we are to remove from us those things, but when are we ever sure our own judgement is true? We go along a fallible path, each one of us, mostly not to know how wrong we are in number or amount, somehow making it through despite all that. The pieces that we pick up, rather randomly it may seem — one might find that they fit together, somehow. Not magically, but in twists one might have thought of when first examining these shards of fate. We’ll most probably never figure it all out, but do not despair upon this thought. Be not deceived: we can make sense of things; there is genuine value in this world; we are right about some things. Be humble. Be good. See if things don’t work out, if you don’t spend the day complaining.
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| Vision | 1:51am friday, 2nd march |
A couple nights ago, or more correctly, in the middle of the early morning, I had a dream that was so intense it woke me up, where I was in the middle of an infinite hazy space. It was so intense it spilled into the waking; it was so intense I thought for a moment that I was having a stroke. What I figured out from it: this was the scope of what could be known, and me, tiny, in the center of it, I had an idea of what I knew, which filled almost nothing of this space at all. The next day, all day, I had this feeling of utter well-being. Though all the things I had been expecting had not happened yet, still, I knew I was in quite an enviable state. Such things, I suppose, are the fruits of perspective. One must go with all one can in the groove of such phenomena, to say at the end of life: that one has lived.
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| slipped | 1:02am monday, 27th february |
this moment has passed from one dreaming to the next
slipped from the tongue the taste that made me believe
to the eleventh degree, to feel the burn of time
as the winds of change continued through my veins
wired into the bare metal behind the curtain of night
to fathom the rushing horde of armed information:
now i have returned to myself a beggar and a spy
where the horizon reveals where the sky is leaking
what calculations may transform the darkness to light
i humbly beseech the smallness of my heart of hearts
to find in what is forgotten the answer to saving
and there, in the closeness: what love had whispered
and i had been too large to hear, too swift to get
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| Update | 5:26pm thursday, 23rd february |
So, I’m going mainstream with my crazy idea. If you recall, and I’m sure you don’t, I realized some time last year that the only way I was going to get my ex-girlfriend back was to pick up and go to New Zealand, where she’s been living. Just recently, I finished translating all required theory into code for the main logic of my AI. I'm not done, mind you, it’s still rough and untested, but as soon as I was finished upon this task, I felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders, and a veil lift from my vision. I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do. Quit my job and fly to New Zealand. So, I’ve given quite a bit of advance notice at the day job, and I wrote the ex-girlfriend a message telling her I’m coming, unless she specifically tells me not to go. Haven’t heard from her yet, but I expect to. In any case, things are about to get interesting. Real interesting.
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| someone else | 12:27am sunday, 19th february |
this is where one exits, and enters
and becomes someone else entirely
for that which strikes the soul’s note
tunes the path to the know of our dreaming
the light that dances on the story
turns the sky to the dial of our fire
the dreaming of which is the know of our path
believing without pause in the magic
for our will is how imagining becomes real
and we dance on the edge of the depths
fearing nothing, breathing the miracle
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| the sword | 12:36am wednesday, 15th february |
i have dreamed of eternity outside what is known
i have danced on the edge of fate, a daring fool
i have thought myself old, and also just beginning
as time gave me no second glance, continued on
i hammered away at my armor of immortality
making sure to check out every corner of my eye
for the dragon i suspect would realize one hour
that i stole the most precious prize from his vault
the lens by which to scry the dream within the world
as i attempt not to succumb to imaginary airs
to draw the sword from the stone, king of myself
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| Flickering | 2:24am saturday, 11th february |
What is there for us in this life? There come times when I wonder of the deeper things, whether they really exist or no. A man can have everything, and to him, they can amount to less than nothing. Love: there is always talk of it, but no one knows what it really is, how one may hold it, see if it is real, sniff it for lies. Whether there is a God above, I feel it in my heart that the One watches over us, and yet at times He is so far away — even when I know He is here with me, I feel as if I can never touch Him.... And yet, with so little there seems for us that this world offers, we go on. There is an unnamable dream, I think, that we all share, whether we conceive that we do or not. It is a hope for something which we have never seen, and would wonder what it was if we did. I do not myself know why we press on like we do, what this dream may be. I sense it, though: in darkness, it is as if a single candle is lit in some far away corner of the Earth, and its dimmest rays shine on us an eternal, if flickering, dawn.
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