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Easter Thoughts6:38am saturday, 19th april
So what does it take to bring God into one’s life, perhaps more than one has been accustomed to having? To walk in the footsteps of Jesus Christ? Even being less specific: how does one touch the divine, and is it even proper to want that in everyday life? For one is not expected to live in a zen satori all the livelong day — I imagine that to be exhausting. But one can have everyminute zen, however, and I have read about this: enlightenment can be for every moment. Such perhaps is the answer: not to desire upon every the hour a religious ecstacy, but to live always in the Spirit, with the Spirit — that appears something that can be desired.

Of course, like quitting an addiction, if you don’t have any inclination to have the Spirit of life, these might be just empty words that strike nothing when they pour in through your eyes. But perhaps, even then, this is my chance to let you in on a secret, something that might spark your curiosity, perhaps, that is so innocent that you let it through your armor without thinking. Perhaps you’ve heard it before: if you want to reach Nirvana, just realize you’re already there. This is the secret of the ancients. All that you need to be satisfied, you already have it. It is merely to learn to have eyes that see: that see what has always been before them. This is the enlightenment.

Myself, I have thought that an enlightened state could be thought up in one or two precepts, depending on how you count: be not but love, do not but love. It is an enlightenment of heart. For God is love, so anyone who lives in love lives in God. It is the case, though, that it is a difficult thing to translate all the everyday phenomena of our action so that we are decided that in choosing those mundane things that we are following that/those pattern(s). Perhaps we need to get more to where the rubber hits the road, rather than wade in the vague of clouds, however worthy they are. And perhaps it begins just with the idea of holding to the simple, to live simply. In the words of Lynyrd Skynyrd, the song “Simple Man”, “be something you love and understand”.

That means cutting out the drama, not to play politics, not to play games that complicates a given situation. Welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly. That’s the thing, not to desire such power. Not to become the spider that plays with what it devours. If you really want God in your life, if you want to follow in the footsteps of Christ, or even other great spiritual leaders, be humble and listen to your conscience. This is nothing you haven’t heard before, so why do you not listen? Is it that the voice of your appetite is louder than all the wisdom that sashays into your ear? Selfless: what does that word mean to you? Is it your “self” that is in your way between you and what is right? How can we then begin to chip away at the edifice of your ego?

Then, what is the self, anyway? It brings up the observation that the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. One can imagine that the “self” in “selfish” is counted as that, what is termed as “the flesh”. The genesis of all rationalizations. The beginning and end of all procrastination. But I say not that all pleasures of the flesh are a sin (for one, eating a good steak would be included in that). So where is the evil? They say that man is a cross between animal and angel. It is when we give too much of our (will)power to the beast: the reptile brain, the base and brute affections; this is the derangement from where comes evil. But being selfless is not to destroy the animal in us; it is to find the agreement between the angel and the beast.

Such an alignment between heaven and earth is surely a hardfought, hardwon enterprise. What does it mean? Surely not from the below, to make the heaven conform to the whim. Heaven forfend. If the beast is all “me, me, me”, and the angel only thinks of others, the narrow way is not to average these two counteracting forces. Basically limp, would that kind of reconciliation be. It is to summon all the passion of the fires below power the light from above, to shine in this way. This is no mean trick. The way to such a state of being and doing? Love. Simply love. To alter a classic rock song, if you can’t do the thing you love, love the thing you do. This is the attitude. Even if you don’t succeed, try.

There is a definition of love which I have found to be greater than the others, which I take from the 80s movie Electric Dreams: love is give, and not take. As simple as it can be. Is this, then, not what we are to do as an image of the Creator? To give, and not take? This to be the key to all selflessness. Except that in the world that we live in, we are necessarily complicated: to whom do you give what? We must negotiate a narrow way, not to render injustice ourselves, even if all we do is give. But if the simple, if that “to give” is fulfilled in us, if we truly can let go of all hint of possession: if we give and do not take to the utmost of our skill: suddenly we become a child of God, truly. Because then we share in the Nature of God, like our Savior before us, Who maketh the sun shine upon the wicked and just, both.

Note that this is not to say it is a trivial thing, to do that which can be written of as what is right. You will have your “self” in the way of any endeavor to live in the Spirit. The animal always seeks the power over you, and the angel sometimes seems quite far away. Perhaps all the angel is is something of a whisper. But never believe you have no choice in the matter. True, sometimes it can be as if you are possessed — and why people meditate is to free oneself of such situations — but another quote here: try, fail, fail better. While you live, live in hope. There is always hope: just believe this, and it will be true. To find the simple truths that help us understand what it really means to be a human being.

To live simply is a means of not getting lost in a complicated world. It is to be like love. And to give, this is the way to do good in this world. It is to do as love does. There is no formula, obviously, which can account for all the situations that one comes across in the happenings of every day. How sad it would be if there were. We recognize that there is more to see than can be seen, more to do than can be done. This is life, in its goodness. If you undertake to heed this little advice I tell, let me then tell you that if you’re reading this, you have already in you to live life in the manner of a child of light, a child of God. I forget who said it, but who would you call if you only had 10 minutes left to live, and what would you say, and what are you waiting for? Truly, all this little piece can do is to be that kind of prompt.

But while I have you here, can I ask you something? Are you what you expected you’d be before you “grew up”? One thinks of Jesus’ words that what is hidden to wise men is plain to children. Did you ever dream of being the hero, way back when? That you could save the day? Think back, try to bring yourself back to that sensation you sought, how you identified with the triumphant one at the end of the movies you used to see. Because you can be a hero like that, if you didn’t know. I imagine Judgement Day will be an epic movie of all the highlights of everyone in the world, one by one, for He said that what good you do in secret he will reward you for before everyone, the whole world. To believe in considerations like this: this is faith.

So what are we left with, here in the concluding part of this little essay? Are you a hero? Or an ordinary person? Or are you a hero because you’re an ordinary person? Can you, from the inscription copied from this page into your mind, can you just make one decision? Just one, and not a big one, either. Can you decide to be better? And like I said, it doesn’t have to be in an overarching, huge course of action that would seal you as a hero saint forevermore, but anytime you have a little opportunity to do better at maybe some little thing that you’ve always done, will you? Consider it a screen test for that movie at the end of time, so that maybe, just maybe: when your big hero moment comes around, you’ll be ready to wow ’em, wow ’em all.

Just give it some thought.

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Calamity11:24pm monday, 14th april
What shall we do with all the suffering that goes on, but make some art? Wring the pain from inside our bones and distill ourselves some sacred ink, some holy watercolor, where upon the blankness that is tomorrow we spell some poetic fantasy, some painting of the inside of our soul... The Dreaming has a flipside, which one must master, too: to be able to breathe the harsher air, for when one is in the heights, it is rarefied and cold, clawing you as you inhale it. And is it worth it? Friend, if all there was was the pain, it would be well worth it. Cherish the experience of you growing stronger. Shrink not from the test. For even this, even calamity, is a gift.
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e. e.12:45am wednesday, 9th april
l(a

le
af
fa

ll

s)
one
l

iness

 - e. e. cummings

This is one of my favorite poems, from one of my favorite poets. Really, the only happy poet I know of that was any good (well, maybe Emily Dickinson was happy at times, too...). Notice on the chopped up phrase "a leaf falls", how your eye actually follows a path like a real leaf falling. Love it. Here's a link of e. e. reading a couple of poems. Enjoy.

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Touch4:28am friday, 4th april
I touched the hopelessness today. It was not like back when, as a teenager when thoughts I entertained of leaving this world. That time was perfectly described by Albert Camus: that to continue was just not worth the bother. This was different, as if the world’s walls were closing in on me, that there was too much that was out of control, and my soul were abandoned, left to itself in desolation. I think I may understand why Zachary Odette chose to exit. But I cannot go that way, no matter how shut the future seems to be. All it takes is one good day to turn it all around, and really, things are nowhere near as bad as all that. Even when the pattern matcher of the mind can only see the negative of the entire world: go one more day. Dawn is sometimes surprisingly close to coming.
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Meant2:00am saturday, 29th march
Yeah, going from ultimate intensity of consideration, the AI, I suppose now that I can see writing the book was a ramping down. To this, just ease, I suppose. I mean, I still have a day job, and there are stressors there, but it’s really not a comparison to thinking so hard it is literally painful. I just recently realized this, while twiddling my thumbs thinking that I should be doing something, something meaningful: but this was it, what I should be doing is relaxing, wherever I could. Maybe (probably) something is in the pipeline, and I’ll have to ramp up again; so I should chill as much as I can while I can. Not to think ahead to a future who knows what it will be, not to think too ponderously of the Event a little more than a year now, in the past. Just to be, not needing any other reason to exist, at all.
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begin4:29pm tuesday, 25th march
all the days are strange
i being carefully poured into the pathways of the righteous
what subtle balance by which all things change
as careful as the fingers of destiny
look: we will prosper and learn the calculus of having
we will forget forgetting and celebrate the infinitesimal victories
for we are born in fire, we are starstuff
the energies we are made of have not forgotten their brilliance
to let paper cardboard prophecies drift down the stream
to unfold when the waters saturate them soft
and flowers where footfall tread
i have seen myself begin

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Black Iron Prison5:18am friday, 21st march

This reminds me a lot of when I had the visions of the Black Iron Prison:

Click above to get a larger version.

No, it’s not exactly what I saw, but man, methinks someone else saw something like I saw.

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New Book Copy2:39am saturday, 15th march
True story: I found the secrets of the universe. Or did they find me?

Does it matter to you what the meaning of life is? Friend, give me a good read, and maybe you'll be satisfied. Do you ever wonder why life can be unfair sometimes? Pick up these pages, there's an explanation. And why is there pain at all? The answer, it is written, here in this slim volume. There's also a search for what existence is that goes deeper than anyone's ever dove before, more fundamental than the old favorite, "I think, therefore I am." And the context for all that we shall see turns out to be a litle thing called the War in Heaven. A war in eternity. And everything, just everything, makes perfect sense if you really know what's been up, up there.

Touched upon is life, death, Heaven, Hell, truth, pain, the beginning and end of the world, Jesus Christ, Lucifer, angels and demons, secrets, lies, and love, true love...

And there have been others before me who believed that Judas Iscariot was innocent of the crucifixion of The Lord Jesus Christ. But they haven't seen what I've seen. This book is a tribute to him, to try in the smallest part to amend two thousand years falsely accused of deicide. And this book is a doozy.

It's crazy. It's dense. But once you start picking away at the pieces, the grand mystery unfolds before your eyes, your perception. Don't you want to know why? Why you always had that feeling in the back of your mind that there must be something better than what we have ever experienced, and could never articulate just what it could be? That there is something not right about the world, even as we marvel at its sometimes overarching beauty? This book is for you. Miraculous and true.

O what I have seen! How amazing is this all, o me, o life! You were meant to be here, right now, right there, reading these words. Make the most of it, make the most of life! Believe, for the Beginning Is Near!

All of this actually happened... and you will see it is the sign of our victory, when with such joy we proclaim, "Walt Disney is God!" How we have always, already won.

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Past Imperfect9:16pm tuesday, 11th march
I don’t know when it was that I began noticing imperfections. But there it is, I can’t watch live events without almost cringing whenever there is even a possibility of error. Misstatement, misstep, the wrong note, the wrong placement. I turn off the sounds and try not to look when people give their acceptance speeches at awards shows. I really hate it when the music turns on to “play them off”. The air is too pregnant with the possibility of... I don’t know, exactly. It seems like a ripe field for accident. I remember that feeling as a child, of, “I can’t watch”. I thought I outgrew that, but apparently it has come back. It’s different though: nowadays, I know the look of a train wreck. I usually have seen people making those mistakes. And now, it’s sort of a hyperfocus on them all. Is this growing old? I feel so bad for them, when they fumble in front of millions, or whatever number, on stage. Maybe that’s it? No one has a take 2 in real life. And I hate to see wasted effort.
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prize2:49am friday, 7th march
i will prize an ordinary fate
i will align my guidewires with the light
where the shadow touches the foretold
even wading in despair must i go on
at the stillpoint, an unuttered hope
and a day may be epic in how it’s wasted
to bathe in an ancient wine
without error i solve the dream
swimming in the sky, swim to the light
the secret shown in darkness
i have breathed the air of time
and then, my eye is tired of seeing
but nowhere is beyond the reach of song
my heart to sound an ocean wave
my love to touch the end of days

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Heaven’s High2:44am monday, 3rd march
Buddha said that desire is the cause of suffering. Well, not exactly. Turns out that that’s a rather poor translation, and that “suffering” is more like “dissatisfaction”. And I’ve been going through something like that. Maybe it’s like what David Bowie sang about Major Tom: I’m “strung out on Heaven’s high”. After you’ve hit the heights, the only place left to go is down. I’m waiting for something to happen, and maybe it will, but maybe that kind of time of my life is over, and there is not the major circumstance left for me to experience. Or maybe this “dissatisfaction” is what I’m meant to feel, and like so many things, I will learn later exactly why I’m going through what I’m going through. Maybe I’m overthinking the whole thing. Maybe this is the gateway to the normal. And as with all things, I should simply be thankful for whatever comes.
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