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| Fix | 12:48am sunday, 7th march |
Has it always been this dizzying? One presumes that with the advent of such things as blogging, everyone is observing everyone and everything that moves, and writing about it. The question becomes, has it always been so that so much has always been going on, just that now, we can see it (all)? I look around, not that many websites, mostly for significant or interesting news, and I am just struck by how inundated by information I am. Nothing sticks anymore. There are just too many amazing things, one after another, too many tragic things, again and again, that I can only spend a minute on one when I learn of another. My symbolic reasoning does not process at a gigahertz; I am tempted to shut it all out at some point — wondering if such cold turkey will leave me a quivering mess, starving to know how much is going on without my eyes upon them, being that I am such the information junkie, forever looking for the angry fix that never satisfies.
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| Apocalypse | 12:48am wednesday, 3rd march |
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper 
Click on this to get a larger version. I imagine that the sign of the apocalypse to look more like this: not some fearsome darkening of the sky, which would be plain to anyone, but when the world at large begins to become the homogenized, mass-produced likeness of Andy Warhol’s soups...
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| Contention | 12:01am saturday, 27th february |
I had a little trial about a month ago, and this time I took notes as it was happening:
contending with my demon [1/28/10]:
so is it that the Lord can be kept out, and my faith in Him was false (but He can’t be kept out — He is everywhere.)
or is it that He can't be kept out, so therefore I can count on Him?
if I believe I can count on Him. (by faith we are saved.)
me: so if they send Satan and I beat him, then that's pretty much it, right?
demon: so you think you can beat Satan?
me: no, but the Lord can.
so He can’t be kept out, but my faith in Him was false?
twisting the words means that you cannot logically reconcile it.
if I can’t count on Him, then you are not logically consistent saying “both are true”.
if I can count on Him, then my faith was true, and the first one is false.
therefore, you were lying when you said you were logically consistent.
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| free | 4:19am tuesday, 23rd february |
i am free
sometimes thinking inside the box can push the box bigger
i decide to be responsible and no one tells me to
trusting in a higher wisdom because i have seen a thing or two
for miracles you must admit do happen, however why
i have never lost hope, and such a fool i’ll stay
(walk around bitter, when there is such heart in the world?)
if i have to fight for every erg of energy to do right
to choose to be a force of life is worth all life
and the meaning of life to be found in the search for it
i am free
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| Hope | 4:06am friday, 19th february |
I find I still have hope, and more remarkable, that I never lost it. Things like the President, how people are disappointed with how he’s done in his first year — I think things are turning around for him now, and he was never more than just a man. His plans for health insurance at times seemed dead, then reborn, and I still think something will get done there. More personally, I got an inadvertent email from the ex-girlfriend. Apparently she mistakenly input her email information somewhere and they sent spam to everyone in her contact list. Which means I’m still on her contact list. And I thought for a moment, what if it had been a real email from her? And I considered how all of it could turn on a dime, this life. I have no doubt been tempted to despair, but something in me won’t give up. I think this is how to win at the game of life: to decide never to be defeated.
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| dragonflies | 1:08am monday, 15th february |
i have eight dragonflies
one for each day of the week, and one i set free
i imagined i slipped out of time
observed from the outside of it all
the physics of knowing betrayed me to what i was
caught in the flow of change
dreaming of great things that might come true
in fearful beauty unfolds the future
rhyming if you can catch the notes
that low buzzing sound caught in the periphery
the dragonfly come back home
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| the small | 5:59am thursday, 11th february |
the experience is not always a rush, what is light
the darkness, too, is often merely a dimming after dimming
to fall from grace, tiniest slips; salvation, to inch upward
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| center | 1:30am sunday, 7th february |
i have gone nowhere for a very long time
then been sent whirling at the sound of a voice
but alone is where most of the day is spent
staring at the syntheses of electronic dots
the motions that are merely tricks of the eye
i have not needed to smile to be happy here
for i have a center, from which i can reach out
many go to and fro without finding themselves
not to realize it is a simple thing we are asked
just this: there is a light. try and walk in it.
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| Go | 1:10am wednesday, 3rd february |
If I let my mind go, it wanders first into known territories. Like the things I have been thinking for the last eight years or so, what could be called my life’s work. But if I release my thinking from work work work, it goes at then to think of love, love perhaps lost, love perhaps to be found, and to family, and friends; these are the ordinary spheres of being. Even if I let go of these, they do not let go of me. If I propel my imagination on, it begins to enter strange skies. For my life has at points been full of angels and demons, of ghosts and pain, and of light and salvation. It has known God in many a form, and Jesus Christ who is Truth, and been blessed by unseen forces, some of whose shadows I may have peered. Who is to know where life will go? Even if I only stay evermore in ordinary airs, love can make of anything priceless. And love, there ever shall be.
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| here | 1:19am saturday, 30th january |
euphoria dream
a pocketful of love i spent on the idea
a round trip journey to the beginning
worth everything
in believing of the wheel does it turn
the vision of worlds behind the world
here am i, i said
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| Standing | 3:55am tuesday, 26th january |
I am contemplating several things right now. For one, I am wondering just how much I’ll get working of my pet project by the end of the month. At this time, I have the distinct feeling that I’m going to get this to work is a foregone conclusion, just when and exactly what form of it by that when. I have also pretty much decided to get another day job. Ideally, for 3 months, enough to live on and pay my taxes. Maybe max 6. Because even if the demo is ready and I get funded, the money won’t likely be immediate. And the third thing I’m thinking about is the ex-girlfriend, who is now a cartoon in my head like previous spirits that have visited me (and who still occasion my imagination). Like the others, I know it’s not really her. But I get the feeling that destiny is not through with we two yet, however long the turnaround time on this thing is. And so, I go...
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