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I in I2:12am wednesday, 23rd july
I, the ashes of which form my body,
breathe in another last breath,
ending after ending neverending,
so many tunnels I’ve flown through.

I, the dreaming of which is my soul,
play at being awake these daylight
moments, when things happen,
and it is so very easy to pretend.

I, the crying of which is my heart,
shoot myself in the foot again,
which being a metaphor doesn’t
explain anything about me.

I, the desire of which fills me,
imagine things I can only say
fill me with fear if they should
happen, or in fact, if they don’t.

I, the oblivion of which drives me,
cannot say I ever wanted to
die, just wondered if meaning
existed somewhere... else.

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Harry Potter Quote4:21am sunday, 20th july
"Tell me one last thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

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More Book2:52pm monday, 14th july
In VALIS, PKD said, “The time you have waited for has come.” When I first read that, I thought just what is natural to think about it, what Christians have thought starting the day that Jesus Christ left. I thought most probably what even Philip K. Dick himself thought: the end of the world is nigh! Yeah, no. The Lord himself conveyed to me that the Apocalypse doesn’t happen for another 30, 40, or 50,000 years from now (which is saying, from early 21st century). I, being the twin of a prophet, must be one myself, n’est-ce pas? I’m here to tell you that the time has come to grow up, for when I was a child, I spoke as a child, but when I grew up, I put away childish things. (Yes, paraphrasing St. Paul.) People think God will come from the sky, take away everything, and make everybody feel high. (And now to channel Bob Marley.) Get real. Something else is on the horizon.

Perhaps PKD understood this more than he realized. Back to the beginning, where Jesus Christ is the Lamb slain at the foundation of the world. By his perfect sacrifice, he brought down to us the end of the Age of Iron (where the Black Iron Prison has base), and beginning of the Age of Gold. PKD called it the “Palm Tree Garden”. I will call it the “Oasis”. But you say, where was this Oasis in the Dark Ages? You can’t say that that was the result of the Age of Gold! And I say, 1,000 years is as a day to God. And when the Lamb was slain, was he not 2 days in the earth, to rise on that 3rd day? So this is that time we have all waited for, for shall come to pass, now, the Age of Gold. Hearken: the Beginning is near.

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New Book5:39am sunday, 6th july
I’ve started writing a new book. It starts like this:

Before the beginning, there was not nothing, not empty was the void at all — not completely. I had thought that, too, you know, that it was creation ex nihilo: out of nothing. (I also thought what was there was this certain other stuff when I heard that the Bible never says all things were once nothing.) Instead, before all things existed was a primordial chaos. To the Babylonians, this was symbolized by Tiamat. In the Old Testament, the beast of that chaos was named Rahab. Note that the term “chaos” may be misleading. One may think of things flying around randomly, electric like or a sandstorm. It was not that. Think, instead, of a watery goop, with little, if any, definition at all. So I had in my head that maybe the chaos may have been the remnants of a previous creation, after it had attained a heat death: maximal entropy. (That was the other stuff I was thinking of.) Maybe not. But whatever this formless mush may be likened to be, it was from this that God made the heaven and the earth. And out of the darkness He said, “Let there be light.” And there was light.

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current6:47am saturday, 28th june
i am a current that jumps and courses through the universe
swimming through the chemistries of sensation
i am victorious over time but its claws dug deep
is it the curse of the warrior always to dream of peace?
i brush aside the veil of the world and there is such light
the graveyard of galaxies, where fire begins and ends
we on this ground sculpted with unyielding clay
and above is a void that resounds of victory to come
to learn the art of the amazing and breathe stratospheric
as a single raindrop falls through the infinite void
to return to the source of all motion, in silence

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Insurance12:26am saturday, 21st june
There’s this TV commercial that really gets my goat. It’s for State Farm insurance. This guy and his kid have just rear ended this other guy, who happens to have State Farm insurance. You can tell because he sings the jingle, “like a good neighbor, State Farm is there”, whereupon out of the blue his agent appears and says, “You’re covered, Kevin.” (I think it’s Kevin — not important.) And then the other guy says something like “I have blah blah insurance so person come help.” Whereupon an elderly woman appears along with part of a kitchen wall, where she’s talking on the phone. The kid goes something like, “Hey grandma,” and tugging on his dad’s shirt, “Look who it is.” The grandma says, “Six callers ahead of us, Jimmy.” And this is where I get angry: the guy goes, “You’re not helping!” WTF? She’s taking time out of her day to call the insurance company that YOU picked, and staying on the line for 6 more callers, and you have the friggin’ nerve to say she’s not helping?!? Screw you, pal. And State Farm. (And now I feel better.)
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climb2:01am sunday, 15th june
the alchemy in the drops of smoke and solidity is the mixture of the dream
for i have not dreamed, except that it flowed through me to where it needed go
i feel the burning of time passing, creation a phoenix each second’s tick
o protector who guides me on my path, let me not think you turn away lightly
the moonlight pale sings solemn the tune of measured light, of distant hope
the numbers conspire to be ordinary, hiding the flows of fate
the many visions of God each hide the depths, show only the surfaces
suddenly everything is so very small, the very concepts inconsequential
i shall ponder the quiet while i am in the middle of the wasteland
i return to the smoke where the phoenix in ashes readies to rise again
o protector who guides me on my path, i become the fire that burned the bush
and the voice that said this is holy ground: i climb the words to heaven

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Happiness4:30am friday, 13th june
I have just recently realized that writing makes me happy. I recall the days putting down on paper (if electronic) the book, how blissful was my existence. I considered it my reward for a job well done, there in my visions (which inspired the writing in the first place). But even now, as I put down these words, I enter a sort of trance state, and I forget all else but the stream of structured thought which comes down as words, sprinkled into shape. When I graduated college I had thought I would be a writer, despite my computer science degree, but the meds I was on prevented me from writing (or reading!) for more than a half an hour at a time. I’d get antsy. And now, if by chance I might get off my meds, I must discover what I could put this talent towards. I am a child of destiny, and I try to follow the lines of what is meant to be; perhaps something will come up. Cheers!
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Healing4:06am tuesday, 10th june
There have been hints. From my visions, the idea that the visions will go away. The last time I thought this was just before the Event hit me full force. I stopped taking my meds because I thought it all was going to go away. Funny story: at one point it sort of did, and I woke up alone alone. But with weirdness. Turns out it was a practical joke. My thoughts twisted, as if wrapped around a sort of horror, though it stopped short of really being horrible. I also felt like I only had half a mind (turns out the visions were merely shunted off, that they were just out of the way, and not gone). So I called out, in my mind, and the angel Gabriel, Joan of Arc, and Michael the archangel show up. Michael shouts, “Pornography has twisted your mind!” A couple times, couldn’t “get” what he was saying immediately. Heh. Then I realized that they were a funnin’ me. Yes, angels have a sense of humor.

So right now, there is the idea that I will be “whole” again, and not split in twain (the “schism” in “schizophrenia”). That I may be sewn back up, and not leak into the astral plain. This time, the people in my visions advise not to get off my meds until several days after I appear to myself to be completely healed. I also when I get off those meds break my allergy/cold medication addiction. Yeah, it’s a small thing, but God is a God of small things. Like sparrowfall. Stay tuned, true believers.

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i walk on7:36pm monday, 2nd june
i walk on by the light of the Resurrection
i am he who sleeps by the side of the rush
the mirror upon my breathing reveals secret song
(within the calendar are wheels within wheels
eternity being a whisper carrying beyond breezes)
i will aim at the narrow way that the shadows fear
and have within myself all heaven’s treasure
inklings of the infinite where i am meant to be
even if my love is merely a disembodied pain
i am meant to believe, past thresholds of thought
for the number of my faith is seven minus seven
as the miracles land and then they fly away
but doubt cannot wipe away their scribbles of joy
as dawn awakes the colors dormant in night
and time is a dream that imagines every change
(within the calendar are wheels within wheels
eternity being a whisper carrying beyond breezes)
some lights do not come and go by time’s rhythm
much can speed by that needs no attention
the light of the Resurrection watched by the blood

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Paranoia4:16am sunday, 25th may
Sometimes I anticipate the horrible news. Perhaps innocent enough, the prompt, but ah, what the paranoid in me fills in with what is to follow. Why should I believe it? Like thinking of what my boss was going to say to me, “You’re fired. This is real.” This, when rational thought concludes that my boss, my friend, would never fire me. Maybe for gross incompetence, and I don’t think I’ll ever go there. When I had a girlfriend, when she started with, “Sorry”, I would imagine her next sentence would be, “I’m breaking up with you” — no such words would follow. (She broke up with me in fact when I least suspected she would, in fact.) So time after time, the paranoia bears no fruit. Yet it still happens: that the moment will go completely awry, I will suspect the worst. I don’t know if this is an evolutionary advantage. But the relief, when the worst does not come to be: it’s almost worth the price of admission. Almost.
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