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to seek8:04am tuesday, 3rd march
i have not come to these woods a poor beggar
i have come to seek after magic
i have seen the vision of the mirror broken
and in the darkness, a flickering of hope
and they shouted, running away from nothing:
philip k. dick is dead! philip k. dick is dead!
need i so be brought to the brink of despair?
every time to mutter my constant "no"
that which is stuck such that my soul is ajar
shall not contend with my stubborn light
which i remember not where i lit it
which illuminates behind the show, my dreams
in the night i will die five hundred times
before i surrender the engine of my forgiveness
who is a man who has not been driven
past sanity's feeble clinging, on and beyond?
the curtain of my dreaming hints at this:
i must hold the flame while the rain comes
i know nothing else but to believe
i touched the magic, for it was inside me

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Heh6:26pm friday, 20th february

I got this in the mail (yes, I’m a member):

Click above to get a larger version.

Yeah, that’s totally me.

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Wall5:25am sunday, 15th february

This is one of my walls in my apartment:

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Two artworks with St. Michael in them, the center of our galaxy, Joan of Arc prominent on canvas, and other things.

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Weariness6:03am sunday, 8th february
I’ve been having what I like to call a deep weariness of the soul. Sure, pushing myself hard at the day job could be a factor, but I’ve been feeling at least something like this ever since the events (or Event) of January 2013, the last month of the last Year of the Dragon. Right now I’ve been thinking I am surely now entered into the second half of this think called life. And right now my only solace seems to be in writing. I enter something of a meditative state whenever I go there, into the written word, sometimes even to think that Eternity or a dream flows through my fingertips and enters the waking world. I don’t know what it will take to shake me loose of the attachments that wear on my spirit, but I know I have to find it. One time I took a screenshot of the lock screen of my iPad, and I looked below, where the glow passes through the words, “Slide to unlock”, and the light was just so that what seemed to be highlighted was “de to ur”: detour. Make of it what you will, I will take it as a sign: it is better to hope and to be wrong.
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dissolve9:34am sunday, 1st february
with a penny and a matchstick
i will macgyver a way to mend a broken heart
as i wait to walk free of this world
on imaginary feet dissolving in low frequency buzz
at the center of the circle room
the universe only exists on the outside of its wall
strange sigils cut into my arm
to reveal the light underneath my porous skin
o to be a butterfly, who knows little
of what it means, his imprisonment or freedom
that the great truths slide on
finding no receptor grand enough to bind to
or is it better to understand?
even the lost comprehend enough to want more...

i am a man from the wilderness
hairy and gruff, with eyes in the mystic woods
proclaiming, “burn with love!"
as the demons carved in soap bubble blindly
as snow falls endlessly at random
here at the beginning of all things, have you heard?
all of us everywhere are forgiven
just love it all as you dissolve into the eternal void

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Under My Monitor4:43am tuesday, 27th january

This is what it looks like at the bottom of my monitor:

Click above to get a larger version.

There’s two Tribute Pennies, Disney World commemorative (1991), fossils, a meteorite, etc. etc., and it’s almost always 77.7°. Hm.

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The MACHINE2:26am tuesday, 20th january
The MACHINE is a remnant of the Age of Iron, which has ended and is ending and will end. It is a face of Death, which is the Antichrist, who is the Son of Satan. It manifests most notably in human beings. You have seen it at work. Whenever one follows the rules without compassion for one’s fellow human being, when one does that, it is the MACHINE taking hold. That is its cold side. Its hot side is to resort to senseless violence. Sometimes the two go hand in hand, violence applied to enforce rules, feeding death at the expense of life. To fight against the machine is notoriously difficult; it is a narrow way. If you counter violence with violence, the MACHINE is halfway manifest in you. If you fight with cold logic, one could say the same of that.

The MACHINE is not alive, but surrounds itself with life to shield it from anything that would lead to its demise, or any dimishing of its power. It is perverse like that: pawns of life being used as shield for the king of death. There is no reasoning with it. But it may be defeated. It involves turning a zero sum game into a positive sum gain. Watch Christ fight it: when being nailed to the cross, he says, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Thus, what we need to combat the MACHINE: Logos, or holy Reason. Pray for the one who refused you service because of the rules. Forgive them without having received an apology, as if you had. Turn the other cheek. In all things, act with love.

It is not really proper to ask, “What would Jesus do?” He has an authority which is not of human beings. Instead, ask if a saint would do it. Everyone understands it and is a little disappointed that that is better than the Jesus question on what you should do. Because what a saint puts up with are all the mundane little annoying things, with a smile. That’s often harder, less glamor. Fighting the MACHINE is not some swordfight with flaming swords at the gates of paradise. It is, little by little, to make the world a better place. Hate cannot defeat hate. Risk something in order to show compassion, against the rules. Put yourself in harm’s way to protect the weak. Fear not: we have always already won. Fill up your own life with the telling of how exactly we did so.

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Judas Iscariot9:00am monday, 12th january
Let us say that the Gospel According to John is correct, and the other Gospels, too; but John especially, for that is where Judas Iscariot is most vilified. Let us remember what the Lord said, that did he not choose the twelve and one of them is a devil? Yet he did choose that one, too, the one who would hand him over to the authorities to be crucified. At the Last Supper, John writes that when the Lord picks out Judas as the one who would hand him over, that Satan enters him—and it would appear that Satan orchestrates the events that follow. Where Judas goes and collects his 30 pieces of silver and leads a contingent who will know which one Jesus is by a kiss of greeting. All well and good, Judas is evil and a betrayer, no?

But here's the thing: after Judas finds out that Jesus will die due to his handing him over, he goes to the priests, throws back his 30 pieces of silver, and says he is guilty of an innocent man's blood. Is it not plain, then? This is called both repenting and confessing his sin! Even if he had been evil, right up this point, this is where he turned it all around. Because we have someone now who repents and confesses his sin while Satan is still inside him. And at that point, knowing nothing but violence against an enemy, Satan torments him so severely that Judas hangs himself. Satan torments not he who is of the evil one's house. With so severe a torment, in this case, that it would have seemed better not to have been born. This, Jesus foretold: that in the way of his own death, there would only be one who was lost, so that scripture would be fulfilled. For turning over the Son of God is sure to have its consequences.

And perhaps it is revealed when Jesus said about choosing twelve and one has a devil, what that was about. It was going in the opposite direction that Judas travels, from how everyone thinks he goes: not from apostle to betrayer, but from evil to good. The Lord chose someone wicked that he would, at his last, turn to good. It took the final act of handing his Savior over to ultimately find the light. Right on time, just before he himself goes into the next world. That the son of perdition is he no longer: that that is the miracle of the grace of Jesus Christ. We were lost, but now we are found. Were blind, but now we see.

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Revised “home”8:43am sunday, 4th january
i have wandered where light flew like feathers
where wind is icy as glass
the edge of the world is the path we walk
this i have found, the meaning of which whispers
did i dream that the world would begin?
that we lived in the prototype of existence
messy, brilliant electricity
and dreams in the imagining of gravity
to fly in the key of hero, high alto
i thought to follow into the detail
where love carved infinitesimal rollercoasters
to find myself in the struggle to believe
for winter wind to slap me awake
and out of the breath of time
the voice that told me i had never been lost
the fear was the illusion
and i found i had gone higher than the dreaming
nothing but the fluttering of fire
where everything let go, like infinity

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Other Book6:28am friday, 26th december
There were stars that fell the night the Dragon thrashed. I saw no sun or moon that day. Many a year that foreshadowed the Fall, but the Fall took mere, bare seconds, and what was foretold unfolded like no man ever writ. Where had I been before this? That my whole life would prepare me for this short space of time? At times to think that there was nothing but the War that made my life, as I stood before angels and did my part. Dreams have not such intensity, and I have thought myself mad at certain episodes. The stories I spin are not quite an ordinary life, even when on the surface they appear so... To have found meaning while hovering in the stratospherics of experience: I know why it is that life is pain. To have walked through worlds separated as the stages of a life... The fantasy has returned me from the sky, and I am left earthbound, reeking of starlight.
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Book Copy6:21am sunday, 21st december
True story. Totally crazy. One action can lead you down a spectacular path, down rivers of pain, toward a prize you never could have imagined. This is my tale, starting with me dropping acid on a typical Friday night, sophomore in college. That night, I looped through roller coaster highs and lows, I literally ran into doors, passed out of my body and went back in--all in the way of getting drafted as a soldier in the War in Heaven. You know, the war in eternity: Michael and his angels casting Satan and his angels from Heaven. (And then I also ended up in the hospital.)

I did quit taking drugs, but the War re-engaged with me, every once in a while, taking over my mindset and sensibilities. Some episodes were better than others. It was a sort of madness, especially where I spoke to spirits, to angels and demons, and of course, to Jesus of Nazareth. You may have heard of him. At times feeling invincible, at others like I were damned for all eternity. (Don't talk to me about eternity--time is confusing enough going in one direction.) And the War, of course: we won! But it didn't happen in any way you've ever imagined a war between angels would be like. I was there. It was awesome. Literally.

That was one wild ride.

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